The Body I Own
This is a project I have been working on for a little less than a year now. I remember being inspired by an actual painting I came across on the internet… I thought to myself how I can represent the beauty of our bodies in photographic form but keep the effortless feel of a painting? So, my body painting project was born. In the beginning, I wasn’t as trusting of my painting skills and received help on that end from my talented friend, Natalie Stuby. My fine art trained, lawyer to be, angel on earth. Since that, I am doing more of the painting these days <3
I have spent a lot of time thinking about why I am doing this project. It felt deeper than just expressing beauty for our bodies and the self acceptance. It meant more than that in my head. Not that those beliefs aren’t important to know but I think the main reason I did this is… because I can.
I can participate in the project, I can allow space for other people to join in on it and we can, because our bodies are ours to own.
You see, I have experienced many things in this lifetime and the one that change my perspective at a young age was sexual assault. I am a statistic. I’m in the 53% of women who have experienced sexual violence and did you know that once you have been assaulted once, your risk is 35x higher to be revictimized? I am also that statistic. I have been assaulted by men more than twice in my life, in varying degrees. From men I thought were friends. From men who I thought had my best interest at heart. One woke me up at a party, where I consumed way too much alcohol or was drugged, told me all my friends had left me and walked me back to his dorm… where I blacked out and came to with him on top of me. Another woke me up while he was kissing on me in the middle of the night, completely sober.. he claimed to have “sex insomnia.” Another pleaded with me to have sex with him while I was crying saying I didn’t want to do this, to which I of course gave in. self preservation. There are so many instances in my life where men have pushed boundaries, walked a very thin blurry line or have just outright did wrong by me. Some way more “innocent” than others, but it’s still a lifetime of learning that regardless of my personal beliefs- I am merely a body to exist here, I do not belong to myself and I am not as respected as others.
I spent a lot of my time being promiscuous, spanning from my teenage years into my early adulthood in spite of this. I felt like I was a walking billboard for : “SEE ME HERE? I’M HERE TO DISRESPECT” so I figured might as well accept my fate and have “fun with it”. I got myself into relationships that were never healthy, but it was someone who wanted me. I overlooked their insecurities and pitfalls, because it was someone who saw value in me that was more than just what I can put out.
I believed for a very long time that I am just not worthy of healthy care from other people. I accepted people treating me like a sexual object and I never fought back. I learned to laugh about it.
I allowed sexual harassment at my jobs in dealerships. I learned to play it to my advantage. If I let men make inappropriate comments to me, I could get anything I wanted. I always had someone right there willing to help me, I just had to handle the occasional whisper in my ear about my ass looking so nice today or how they would just eat me up if they ever had the opportunity. I’d be lying to you all if I didn’t say that it fed my ego for a while. When you’re programmed to believe that your value is just what your body provides, your self worth lingers on the lips of men ready to serve you up their worldly desires.
but along the way, it got old. so very fucking old. It feels grimey to believe that you have nothing else to give. That my thoughts and feelings don’t matter, cause men aren’t interested in that. but.. I am worth more than that.
I am more than just my body served up on a silver platter to men.
I’ve spent all this time learning my place in this world, the value and light I can bring to lives around me and the way I can share my story as a means of connection with others and the best thing i’ve learned in all of this time is that:
My body truly belongs to me. It is my proverbial temple. Despite men who have chipped away at pieces of me over 29 years, I can be anything and do anything I want. We all, as humans, can do whatever we want because no one owns us- except ourselves.
We are in charge of our lives and I’m ready to start living like I am.
So, we circle back to this project. A project about self acceptance, autonomy and beauty. Those who have participated in the project allowed themselves to feel vulnerable and viewed from an artistic standpoint. No coercion, no disrespect, just appreciation for their time and willingness to put their body on display for others.
We are all our own works of art and we get to decide who we show that to.
xo,
Jordan