Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Life really has a funny way of working out.
When I started doing photography (which is coming up on 3 years now!) I wanted to be a natural light photographer only. I was starting with birth photography and it seemed to just make sense, I like to capture those moments as true as possible. So, that washed into the work outside of that realm: families, newborns, portraits etc. I never wanted to use external lights.
I quickly grew out of that because it’s not feasible in all scenarios (duh) so I started working with a flash at random times. I would always say, I would never be a studio lighting type photographer.
“It wasn’t me”HAHAH
What I wouldn't be honest with myself about was the fact that it more or so freaked me out. I am the type of person who likes to be good at something immediately. I don’t know why, I hate that I am that way, but if I don't think i’ll be instantly good at it - I probably won’t try it.
rather silly and foolish if you ask me, but I’m working on it.
So the thought of learning the “daunting” task of lighting felt like a big no. it wouldn’t fit my brand and who I am.
FAST FORWARD >>
I tell this part frequently, I even made an instagram reel about it on my @jbarkker page~
I went through some shit. I started seeing a guy, it was a shit show (he’s a cool guy, just bad timing ya know?), I got my feelings hurt and I was BUMMED. I started seeing really cool studio portraits and mixed media things on instagram.. so I thought.. hm fuck it let’s try it. I had a friend at the time who had a studio with great lighting, he let me use it to make art (big thanks to him, I couldn’t have started any of it without his assistance in the beginning) I made my first little collage, using techniques on Photoshop- which I had NEVER done for anything like that. I watched YouTube videos, how to videos on social apps and just trial and errored it. I made my more “difficult” one and started my “inspired by songs” series: The Bruins ~ Scary Flick.
*said collage*
It was fun, it wasn’t perfect but to me it was amazing. it was single handedly the coolest thing I had ever done creatively up until then. It meant even more to me with it being my best friend’s band. Knowing him inspired this big draw towards using music to kinda soul search. ahh to have musicians in your life <3 So I continued on, I think I made 5 or 6, and I occasionally do it from time to time now. Everyone of those portraits taught me a new skill, a new tool and a broader vision. I felt really called to explore this piece of me.
and now i’m here. If you follow me on any socials or looked at my portraits portfolio - you know I have grown tremendously in a year. I am no where near as skilled as I want to be, but I have time. I have the space to do that, I am allowing myself the space to get there. I don’t consider myself a natural light photographer in anymore, unless it’s in the birth world and various other sessions.
I think the funniest part of this all is that I really ate my words.
I utilize studio lighting REGULARLY and on-camera flash when needed or for fun things. I have grown to appreciate artificial lighting and how it helps me execute these projects. I think it’s really a testament to how we grow and change through life. We can tell ourselves that we will be this one way over and over again, and then life says no, you thought girl.
I love where I ended up. I’ve met some really beautiful souls through doing this work.. and I’m so proud of that i’m letting myself create freely, in many variations, and sharing that with all of you and sharing bits of who I really am. It’s more vulnerable, it makes me really shed my thick hard exterior. ITS FREAKS ME THE FUCK OUT AT TIMES. but
It allows me to learn more about myself and open myself up to a bigger truth: I am allowed to exist as me. I am more than welcome to be who I desire to be. I owe it to myself, after everything, to be truly at peace with the woman I am today and love her.
call it my Saturn return, call it “that’s just the way life is” .. any way you swing it, I am so thoroughly changed.
That’s all
xo, Jordan