ROUNDING OUT 2024
Well, it’s December. 2024 came and went swiftly, with some minor speed bumps…. who am I kidding- large speed bumps.
Most of my life I have felt different. I could never put my finger on it, but I knew that I struggled and the things that I struggled with weren’t like normal lol
Lets rewind:
From as far back as I can remember, my mother would lovingly describe me as careless. I was always in space, I would forget everything that I needed to get done and could never keep track of myself and tasks. I have always been considered intelligent and performed well in school… until high school. I know that she never meant it as an insult, but it’s one of those things that stick with you as you go through life. I just accepted that maybe I really am careless… but here was the issue- I am FULL of cares lmao. I care about anything and everything with such intensity, that truly I don’t know how I function sometimes, and usually it’s stupid shit. I care about how people perceive me, if I am being a good person, if people like the work I am doing, if it’s perfect enough. I care about mistakes I made 10 years ago, people I have wronged and people who have wronged me. It’s a constant merry go round of cares. So being careless just never made sense. I have so much on my mind, at all times, I can’t keep anything straight. Every idea and thought one could have is spinning around my brain at 100mph and it’s overwhelming.
Fast forward to 2023:
I went through a traumatic experience, that opened the door to other traumatic experiences in my life, and my mental health quickly deteriorated. I had to process the current trauma, the past ones, still run my business and take care of my children. 2023 was a turning point for me. One of the darkest periods of my life but one that needed to take place. I started to turn to art as an outlet for all of these feelings. I began playing around with Photoshop and learning skills and it led me here.
The worst time in my life opened the door to really beautiful growth in my creative world BUT things still weren’t right. While I'm processing, I’m realizing that I just cannot function. I cannot keep myself on task, I cant focus when people are speaking to me, I got behind on A LOT of work and started to make crucial business mistakes… My thoughts are incredibly scattered, I ask people to repeat something they’ve already repeated 3 times, I got overwhelmed at the idea of sitting down to edit or to even respond to people. My customer service in my business SLACKED and then one day I told my therapist “I think I may have ADHD, but not like the hyper activity that people would expect” To which she laughed and told me that I definitely do and she has noticed it from the jump. I don’t sit still, I am always fidgeting and I jump from one subject to the next without any bridge between them.
It was really reassuring to get that acknowledgment that it wasn’t just in my head.
but then came the guilt and shame.
I felt really awful for the fact I let this get away from me for so long. That I never saw the signs, in my teen years and now into my late 20s. I felt guilt that I haven’t been providing my clients with the best service. It was never because I didn’t care about them, I just had so much dysfunction that I couldn't do the things I needed to. I think that forgiving myself has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. My business was built on one of the most special and important moments of my clients lives - the births of their children. Not being able to do all of the things I wanted to do for them was very hard to accept… but thankfully, I have some of the best clients in the world and I was always honest and upfront with them, and they loved and supported me through it all.
So we fast forward to now, December 5th 2024:
I have an amazing therapist and psychiatrist. I am being medicated for my ADHD, among a few other things, and I feel lighter. I feel like I can do the things that I set out to do and be the person I want to become. I feel like I am in the middle of the bridge, on my way to other side. I am still learning how to cope and process. I am a work in progress and I probably always will be. But it’s my hope that in sharing this with all of you, I will continue to strive for better and maybe you will too. I think healing as a community has beautiful benefits.
For the future:
I plan to continue to make as much art as my little heart desires. I am shifting my business, a tiny bit, into physical prints and mixed media and i’m very excited about it! but i’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I’m nervous. I’m nervous to put myself out there, to try something different, to give myself some more responsibility and tasks. Running a small business, by myself, as a single mom with ADHD (and GAD and Depression and Social Anxiety LOL) has been TUFFFFF, but I think i’m incredibly lucky to have been given my gift. A gift of storytelling through art, a gift of artistic skill and I think I would be a fool to not follow that.
Vulnerability isn’t my strong suit. If you know me, you know i’m not big on sharing. I’m not big on letting people into my brain.. but maybe that is what I am here for. Maybe my life’s purpose is to share, heal, create beauty in a big (kinda dark) world, and encourage others to do the same.
Or maybe, it’s something else. but i’m sure i’ll eventually figure out. For now, enjoy this ride with me.
xo,
Jordan